Damn Hislop! I hate him! There I was, happily getting my “date nights” with Sam, and the next thing Hislop is broadcasting to the world that I’ve been having “inappropriate” relations with “certain top News International executives”. Sam was not happy, I can tell you, and neither was Rupert.
Once Sam calmed down a little, she told me that due to budget cuts, I’m not getting any more date nights for quite some time.
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War preparations are going well. I have Obama in the palm of my hand, and so I have the world’s greatest military machine just sitting there ready to move. Sure there have been some problems with the odd General or two, but nothing that a plane crash or two won’t fix.
As for Bibi, he’s absolutely on side as well. Don’t really know how we pulled that one off. He must know it’s suicide for his entire country. But he knows I’m a Conservative Friend of Israel, so I guess he trusts me.
In the meantime, William is doing most of the point work for me in the propaganda effort. We’re blaming Iran for just about everything now. Iran does this, Iran does that, Iran supplies weapons to Syria. Oh ... that was us, but, eh, well, best to blame Iran for that.
I’m not taking any nonsense from the Royal Navy. I know they’re miffed that hey have no aircraft carriers, or air defence aircraft, but who cares when I have USS Ronald Reagan and USS Stennis to play with. Ken told me to destroy the British military and I’ve done it! Robotbottom has been particularly collaborative.
So because Obama is working for me now, I’ve organised to send a US carrier group down to the Straits of Hormuz to be all intimidatory. I’m determined to get a reaction, and if I don’t, well I suppose Bibi will come through for me there as well. Just like the USS Liberty.
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It’s great to see the financial crash is going to plan too. It puts a smile on my face watching all those stupid City of London types running around in a panic because the Euro is going to collapse. It’s part of our game plan, you see. Ken says that when the Euro goes, it’ll take down just about every major currency in the world. Sure, things’ll be rough for a while - for you, I mean - but in the end, we’ll have our global currency and a lot fewer nation states. That can only be a good thing, can’t it? Fewer wars and all that.
So while we wait for all that to happen, we’re cutting, cutting, cutting! And where we’re not cutting, we’re privatising. Especially the NHS. The NHS is to be no more than a public insurance policy. Yes, I know, we already have one of those, but this will be another one. How else can we divert the requisite amount of money into private bank accounts?
Think of all the problems it will solve - staff will move to private companies, who will take over pension responsibilities and we won’t have to plug the two and a half trillion hole in the public sector pension pot. Naughty Gordon.
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You may have heard about our nanny’s car. Bit embarrassing really - she bought a new car, and I hit another car while helping her park. Had a bit of trouble with the old gearstick. No, I wasn’t insured. Oops.