I mean, how am I supposed to concentrate on the important stuff like World War Three when I have all these stupid Hunts running around getting me into trouble?
And it’s not even limited to the idiots I have working with me. Now they’re getting at me about Strange Sammie, our new nanny! A smoking, drinking, shoplifting, swearing Aussie, they’re calling her. Streuth!
And then there’s Ed. How can anyone like Ed more than me? Have you lot such short memories?
I’m doing my best, for goodness sake, but it’s the media that’s the trouble. Leveson better do his job, I can tell you, because if I have to put up with this for too much longer, I’ll end up in the looney bin. I wouldn’t be the first Prime Minister to end up there ...
Just look at all the good news about me that just never gets reported: I did not make a deal with the Murdochs. I did not sleep with Rebekah Brooks at that party. I did not share a bath with anyone on Air Force One. The new recession is not my fault. I have taken the right long term decisions on the economy. I have not put VAT on caviar.
So I don’t understand why you lot all hate me so much.
But since you do, I’ve decided to change the police. From now on, there’s going to be some special police. Armed to the teeth, wearing balaclavas, wearing no uniforms and having no identification numbers. Sounds good, doesn’t it? And so that I know just where to send these guys, I’m setting up real time monitoring of your internet activities.
(I’m calling them my “greenshirts”, by the way. Brown was already taken, and as I said recently, this is the greenest government ever.)
Look, its like I told the Guardian:
“On the issue of how I have a court system that can both protect my liberties and protect my national security, and on the issue of how we handle data both to protect my security but again to make sure we can pursue anyone who criticises me, these are difficult issues. They are sensitive issues. They require government to have deep, long conversations and work through some very tough issues.”
Well could you have said it any better?
I like being interviewed. Except for that one for Gay Times. That was a bit embarrassing. But interviews break up my day, which unless I’m travelling to see Barak or something is pretty boring.
It’s all these targets, you see. I have to meet them for my quarterly review with Ken and his whip.
So my day goes like this: I have breakfast, then get up, Sam dresses me, and I head downstairs for my first meeting. I sit everyone down and ask them how they are helping me meet my targets. If they work really hard and do a good job, I “reward” them. I can’t describe exactly what that means in a family publication, but let me say this - it’s really the only reason I get up in the morning these days.
